Red Poppies - Anyone Else but You

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grace
diary
blog
rant
leave

i realised i hardly write anything anymore. i feel so devoid, so empty, unfilled. i don't think anymore, i just do. i dont have coherent thoughts, im lucky if i even have any thoughts at all. life is passing me by. my sentences are short. i hardly ever have strings of thoughts, they're more like flashes, really. and if im fortunate i catch those flashes, sometimes i don't. i feel terrible. i am uninspired. i like my older posts better, at least they had substance. this is the closest that i have come in a long time to harnessing my thoughts in a piece of writing. i don't even want to read my own writing. i am bored by it. nothing interesting to be read. in fact, nothing to be read at all. i might as well be running a twitter page here (hello to all my one-liners).

Labels: thoughts, writings

and the air smells of crisp apple cider;

"somewhere, somehow, i realised that we live in different worlds, different circles. as much as we had in common, it never happened for us. even the things we had in common were split, separate entities in our different worlds, not one and the same. i guess the whole time we were just forcing our worlds to collide, because it only resulted in crashes, not meshes."

"yes, that's it. our worlds could never mesh, join into one. i didnt belong in his, and he never belonged in mine."

but therein lies the appeal, she thought to herself, he liked me because i was different, a breath of fresh air from everyone he knew. and him, he fascinated me with the company he kept, people whom i would shun away from under normal circumstances; people whom i disliked just upon hearing about them. his company, they always surprised me. maybe the fact that i would never understand them fascinated me.

"so whyever did you two try to force it?" his voice penetrate her thoughts.

"i dont know," she said, as was her answer to most of his questions,"i cant say for sure."

Labels: writings

and the air smells of crisp apple cider;

i say it because i am afraid of becoming it. don't you see? i dont want to be, yet i am. and im just hoping that im not, but i think i actually already am. almost. and i dont know what to do because i am not sure what i am most afraid of, yet. when i figure that out, i will find a way to rid it. i know, its terribly escapist. but thats pretty much what i am. as well as delusional.

Labels: writings

and the air smells of crisp apple cider;

on love

"Anyway i have been dreaming of love lately... not because i am in love but just thinking about what it is and why it is so attractive. And i guess because it is so simple. Love is simple. it is not complex it is not really! relationships are troublesome not love ! it is simple to love a person, life is complex and difficult enough... there is no point in creating love to be something so legendary and something so ridiculously difficult to attain ... it is easy and carefree thats why we all want it. Devoid of emotion... all black and white. Love is coloured! many many colours ! it is loud and soft at the same time :D often sounding like a ukulele. love can be sung, love can be expressed without words, hands, lips, body. love comes in many forms but it essentially is the same ... it is from the heart, that no matter what a person does, you know that you know you will still love that person as much as you have or perhaps even more. Troubles will never never deter love, nor will words that the other person say revoke love. The only thing that i can think of that can deter love is death. And even death sometimes may not be able to snuff it out. So love is eternal."

-

Lovely piece written by K.A.S. (no idea what that stands for, but i just facebooked him about it so we shall have an answer to that in 24hours or less), sorry i snubbed out your enthusiastic ending because I felt it ruined the effect of the paragraph. Haha. And i really agree with what he writes about love, although maybe not entirely, but we share most of the same views, and i especially like how he writes about love being many colours because that is what love should be.

(160809 - i quote abovementioned writer- "KAS is my pen name :D Karmen Agrippus Simone meaning the poet that listens with his feet first :D awesome eh?")

Labels: writings

and the air smells of crisp apple cider;

it hissed at me

i hissed back defensively

i waited, for it to calm down

and, oh, was it worth the wait

i could feel the caress of the sweet liquid

with none of its nipping acidity

and none of the bitter painfulness

oh liquid ecstasy

Labels: writings

and the air smells of crisp apple cider;

"Well," she says, waving a hand dismissively,"I do think I must be the most unconfident person ever"

"I mean, I never really understand what he sees, saw, whatever, in me! And here he is, telling me how he has really seen me grow and mature, and me, on the other hand not really understanding how I've grown, if possibly only fatter. But then again, perhaps its just that I've never had anywhere else to project my responsibility?"

"AND he thinks I'm going to do great in college because I've got all these bucketloads of experience that no one else really has, and all I'm thinking is, really, 'Thank goodness there are no scholars from overseas if not I'll be in for a huge fight for the scholarships and whatnot!' "

Her sentences are punctuated with exclaimations, and I wonder how a self-proclaimed unconfident person can speak with such nonchalent confidence about her supposed lack of confidence. Perhaps she really suffers from a personality disorder? But it wouldn't do to bring that up to her, really. I suddenly register her pause as she breathes in deeply and her eyes flicker, for a moment, to look at me.

"But seriously, I love him to death, I just don't see what he sees in me"

I raise an eyebrow at her, as I, only half listening to her rantings-turned-musings, persue my own thoughts.

"I must have huge self esteem issues, because I really don't really see much in myself, do you?"

"hmm," is all I have to offer as she, fortunately, seems as lost in her own thoughts as I am.

Labels: writings

and the air smells of crisp apple cider;

"I never really thought of myself uncultured, but rather, as decultured.

But of course, I never felt that way before, until I met them.

They, they were all so seemingly cultured, if culture was measured in monetary forms they would be millionaires, maybe more. And if culturedness was defined by colours they were bright, salient colours that formed the world that was us, while I stood in the background feeling like a dull, pallid colour. Or maybe that was just what I was used to feeling."

Labels: writings

and the air smells of crisp apple cider;

"No, not in that way, no," she says as she shakes her head sadly.

"Well why not?"

"You know well why not" now she is forlorn, you can just feel it in her sigh.

"We-eell..." I hover around her, not really knowing what to say or do as Effa strokes her back, murmuring a comforting "there, there," as she always does.

Oh Effa, always reliable, always there.

The atmosphere is tentative- much like watching an acrobat teetering on a tightrope, wondering if she will lose composure and all there is to be had- with us all out of politically correct things to say to someone who has been through this much.

Finally, shutting the book nestled in her lap, she stands up.

"There's no turning back now, with all that's been said and done," she declares in an oddly firm manner, she being who she is.

She seems decidedly indifferent, to say the least, a surprise to both Effa and myself, leaving us wondering if it would be alright to breathe out in relief, if anything at all.

Labels: writings

and the air smells of crisp apple cider;