Red Poppies - Anyone Else but You

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grace
diary
blog
rant
leave

suffer self-torment in silence, in the safety of your room
how ironic

its all coming to me now
like reality that finally hits home except i dont know which it is, that i dont see you anymore or that ____, yeah. i dont know. i dont even know if i believe that its(____) true.

but it doesnt hurt. i think im just tired out. or maybe now i miss you, although i really shouldnt, i shouldnt even be thinking about you. i wish someone would tell me to forget about him; forget that i ever knew him; forget everything. daddy only says "you shouldnt be thinking about him now", but he doesnt tell me i should forget him, because its the hardest thing to do no matter how moronic the person is. but everything would be so much easier if someone would just tell me what to do. sometimes its if only everything would be so mechanical and you could throw out all the rubbish from your life and just keep the good stuff. but then life would be so lifeless maybe. i think im being incoherent now, i feel dead. i think i only feel drunk when im tired, then my thoughts are wild and incoherent; other than that i cannot imagine my mind shutting down, losing control of my thoughts.

but in the day i feel fine, which is a weird phenomenon. in the day i would laugh in your face, laugh at you because you lost out because you were stupid; you were blind. but in the night i'd prolly blink back tears and watch you walk away.

its cold tonight, so i opened my windows. i dont know why i did, i never open my windows- ever. usually i sleep outside and i keep my windows shut. its a weird night tonight, i've been thinking about a lot of stuff the past few days and its the same phenomenon again, but i know i shouldnt go there, im not sure if i even want to go there but i find myself drifting to it, i know im changing but i cant help it, im not helping it, i dont know if i can anyway. i feel like i have no more resistance left and i just let go and float and let the wind take me along, wherever it goes and i cant do this anymore, i dont want to do this again, i cant believe half the things i say anymore, cant believe the stuff im saying. you dont hurt me but i cant forget you all the same. i know im being completely incoherent here but these are all the thoughts that pour through my mind.

its a weird night tonight

we'll drive, one thousand miles an hour
we'll fly by wheat fields and water towers
we'll go, we'll go and we'll go and we'll go,
let's go let's go, let's go...
let's go

Labels: on being drunk, random weirdness, you

and the air smells of crisp apple cider;