Red Poppies - Anyone Else but You

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grace
diary
blog
rant
leave

now that i think about it, we were actually in a relationship (albeit a slightly dysfunctional, slightly screwed up one) at the time, just that neither of us realised. and i actually miss that. i miss you for all the things i ever wrote about you, i miss what we had. im not saying what we had was special, what we had was, really, ridiculous (or beyond ridiculous). its just that i never realised, what we had is what ive always wanted. i miss the ridiculousity of being the overly cliche couple as occasionally as we liked. and although i never realised, it wasnt you who always needed me, it was the other way around, as i realise now. sure you were the one who was after me, but i was the one who made the calls, you never did. i know i've been more than mean, i've stabbed you a million times in the front, in full sight, and stabbed you in the heart a million times more. and i have nothing to say in my defense.

to any one out there: please promise me if i try and break up with you and ruin what we have, that you won't let me and you won't let me go.

love doesn't hurt, it's not having it that hurts.

(somewhere through this post i found myself writing in present tense. hm. im not sure that was entirely appropriate although it is entirely possible.)

Labels: memories, musings, you

and the air smells of crisp apple cider;

i don't know whether to hate you or not. and you know i won't love you unless you love me back cause im narcissistic like that.

Labels: you

and the air smells of crisp apple cider;

_,

i wish you'd see this, but you dont know this space exists.
i dreamt of you last night. it reminded me that i miss you.
trying to ignore you is tough. i wish you'd stop ignoring me.

xxx

Labels: you

and the air smells of crisp apple cider;

so i've been busy and i havent been blogging as much as i would like too. but everything is fine, and i write in my diary more often now because of how things are. i miss everyone so drop me a tag/sms/IM/email(yeah i check my email so email me!)

-

i saw a guy, from afar, who had hair like you. and i was reminded of you again, and i remembered how it was, me and you, although there was never us. how you made me laugh and made me sigh and the warm fuzzy feelings when i think of you at times. yes i still feel the same way but different some how, less of me and you and more of the nostalgia. maybe one day i will talk to you again, because you make me laugh so much. and you provoke me, all the time.

-

yes, this is for you, xxxxxx, cos i miss you and i miss fighting with you and everything else. although you probably will never read this, but i dedicate this to you because it only seems fitting to do so [:

Labels: memories, musings, you

and the air smells of crisp apple cider;

because we have 4am goodbyes

Labels: abstract, you

and the air smells of crisp apple cider;

the sweeping insensitivity of this still life

insensitivity

that is what always reminds me of you
with you everything is like, okay......

craziness and madness
and more more more
and dizziness cos you
spin me around and around and around
i dont know who to believe
i dont know what to believe
with you everything is just 'i dont know'
flip around and make it higher
you push me to my limits
you fan the fires
everything is about 'you' and 'i dont know'
perhaps its because i dont know you
at all

Labels: you

and the air smells of crisp apple cider;

thunder lightning
i miss you
i dont even know you
so it sounds crazyhazymazy

boom boom boom
and
tap tap tapping of my laptop
splat splot

you evolve
a new you again
im being stupidcrazyweird
i want to meet you

i have never met you before
but im gonna find you
im gonna meet you
im gonna stun you like never before

okay wishful thinking
my time is up
tap tap tapping of the keyboard
and tap tap tapping of the tap dancer's shoes

Labels: ♥ onomatopoeia, poem, you

and the air smells of crisp apple cider;

im starting to remember why i felt that way and why i thought that way when i was there. im starting to remember my rationale behind it, i was forgetting it already. bad but all for the better.

what kong said was true, i knew it myself, i just couldnt sort out how i felt about the whole thing. its not always like that, but sometimes, sometimes, i get a glimpse of the gulf that separates us. funny how it isnt always the most apparent thing. sometimes i think maybe im just fooling myself by pretending the gulf doesnt exist. the fact is that it does and that is what will always keep us apart. and when we both see it, the difference is all the more apparent. maybe i should just give it up already.

Labels: you

and the air smells of crisp apple cider;

i dont know
when i came back
i thought i had it figured out
i thought i'd cleared my thinking
and i knew what i wanted
and what i didnt want-
which was you
but obviously i thought wrong
maybe it was the place i was in
the atmosphere
so different, so new,
so open for new beginnings
like starting a new life
like finding another part of me
but then when i got back
i wasnt sure
maybe it was like i was just continuing
what i left behind
but then again
before that i'd thought
thought i'd let go
but i'd thought wrong
dont you see
its you that keeps me awake at night
i spend hours and hours on end
pondering about
what is best to do
maybe im reading too much into this
maybe im just getting all the wrong signals
everything could be completely different
how horrid it is
not too be able to say things out loud
to speak your mind
why does it even matter if this all ends?
i dont know why it matters to me
i will prolly never ever see you again
i dont see why i should matter at all

but the problem is that it DOES
and it matters so much

lee wong, i wish you weren't leaving so soon. and you're leaving right smack during the time we would be gearing up for our annual sleepover/movie marathon. suddenly i miss you even more, knowing that you arent gonna be here anymore, although we hardly see each other while you're still here. im missing you terribly already, i think i might cry tomorrow, you prolly dont expect me to though. you're the first person i've ever learnt to love almost-unconditionally, all your quirks and everything, you fail to irritate me any longer, even at 3am in the morning - the time when i would be the most irritated with everyone and anyone around me. love you loads, my first bestfriend and my best fried forever (:

ck- i hate that you arent coming this christmas. it totally sucks cos you always always do. no, this isnt about my shoes you stupid guy. and although you never do anything while you're here. i was actually looking forward to you coming you know. bet you didnt know. but it sucks so much esp with kaylawong leaving.

so, great, both my bestest friends arent gonna be here for christmas. lets see how im gonna make my christmas merry ): somebody please ask me out

Labels: childhood, you

and the air smells of crisp apple cider;

where do i start

Labels: you

and the air smells of crisp apple cider;

hello blogger.com i use you ten thousand times a day (:

i gave him a piece of my mind; i threw it down and hit him squarely on the eye
train of random thoughts brought me to this

maybe you fell asleep on the laptop
i hope you dont get caught
or maybe you're playing dota or some stupid game
then that'll really be very inconsiderate of you
not to let me know before you go off and have your fun
but im thinking you got caught
which is scary to think of
because i know how it was like when you got caught the last time
and i dont even want to think of how it'll be like this time
maniacsssssssss

goodnight i think im finally ready to sleep although then im never gonna be alive in time tomorrow oh what the heck i dont know why i suddenly feel homesick, at home. maybe i'll get over it tomorrow im glad im going away i miss mom and dad a lot suddenly i dont know why either maybe i shouldnt have talked to you i dont know i dont know when it comes to you i always have doubts about everything because your life is like a minefield everything is a bomb which might hurt you or might hurt them or maybe mostly all of you. how entirely scary to be a part of your life.

Labels: drunk, family, poem, random weirdness, you

and the air smells of crisp apple cider;

warning signs
warning signs
red lights flashing
through my mind

uh oh,
uh oh
i know,
i know

i remember the
consequences
of ignoring the
signs

its wont be
the same again
is my reasoning
every time

so time
and time again
i ignore those
signs

and i live
to remember
the disaster
every time

Labels: poem, you

and the air smells of crisp apple cider;

suffer self-torment in silence, in the safety of your room
how ironic

its all coming to me now
like reality that finally hits home except i dont know which it is, that i dont see you anymore or that ____, yeah. i dont know. i dont even know if i believe that its(____) true.

but it doesnt hurt. i think im just tired out. or maybe now i miss you, although i really shouldnt, i shouldnt even be thinking about you. i wish someone would tell me to forget about him; forget that i ever knew him; forget everything. daddy only says "you shouldnt be thinking about him now", but he doesnt tell me i should forget him, because its the hardest thing to do no matter how moronic the person is. but everything would be so much easier if someone would just tell me what to do. sometimes its if only everything would be so mechanical and you could throw out all the rubbish from your life and just keep the good stuff. but then life would be so lifeless maybe. i think im being incoherent now, i feel dead. i think i only feel drunk when im tired, then my thoughts are wild and incoherent; other than that i cannot imagine my mind shutting down, losing control of my thoughts.

but in the day i feel fine, which is a weird phenomenon. in the day i would laugh in your face, laugh at you because you lost out because you were stupid; you were blind. but in the night i'd prolly blink back tears and watch you walk away.

its cold tonight, so i opened my windows. i dont know why i did, i never open my windows- ever. usually i sleep outside and i keep my windows shut. its a weird night tonight, i've been thinking about a lot of stuff the past few days and its the same phenomenon again, but i know i shouldnt go there, im not sure if i even want to go there but i find myself drifting to it, i know im changing but i cant help it, im not helping it, i dont know if i can anyway. i feel like i have no more resistance left and i just let go and float and let the wind take me along, wherever it goes and i cant do this anymore, i dont want to do this again, i cant believe half the things i say anymore, cant believe the stuff im saying. you dont hurt me but i cant forget you all the same. i know im being completely incoherent here but these are all the thoughts that pour through my mind.

its a weird night tonight

we'll drive, one thousand miles an hour
we'll fly by wheat fields and water towers
we'll go, we'll go and we'll go and we'll go,
let's go let's go, let's go...
let's go

Labels: on being drunk, random weirdness, you

and the air smells of crisp apple cider;

im tired weary worn out weary
i dont know why i dont know why i dont know why i like you

Labels: you

and the air smells of crisp apple cider;

i dreamt that he told me he liked me, but the whole thing wasnt like him at all. yet it was all so real, frighteningly so. it wasnt like i woke up in the middle of it and realised it was a dream, no, i slept through the dream and it was all so incredibly vivid. i even dreamt that i was telling wenyi about what happened. which is so like real life. which scares me. cos its this kinda dream that causes the line between reality and your imagination to blur, and cause you to imagine things that arent there. and it doesnt help my fight at all, it only weakens it.

i think i have been thinking too much.

Last night I had a dream about you
In this dream I'm dancing right beside you
And it looked like everyone was having fun
The kind of feeling I've waited so long

Don't stop come a little closer
As we jam the rythm gets stronger
There's nothing wrong with just a little little fun
We were dancing all night long

The time is right to put my arms around you
You're feeling right
You wrap your arms around too
But suddenly I feel the shining sun
Before I knew it this dream was all gone

Oh I don't know what to do
About this dream and you
I wish this dream comes true

i wonder

Labels: you

and the air smells of crisp apple cider;