Red Poppies - Anyone Else but You

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grace
diary
blog
rant
leave

one day older than yesterday and im another year older.

Welcome to the first day of my Eighteenth year.

Labels: musings

and the air smells of crisp apple cider;

now that i think about it, we were actually in a relationship (albeit a slightly dysfunctional, slightly screwed up one) at the time, just that neither of us realised. and i actually miss that. i miss you for all the things i ever wrote about you, i miss what we had. im not saying what we had was special, what we had was, really, ridiculous (or beyond ridiculous). its just that i never realised, what we had is what ive always wanted. i miss the ridiculousity of being the overly cliche couple as occasionally as we liked. and although i never realised, it wasnt you who always needed me, it was the other way around, as i realise now. sure you were the one who was after me, but i was the one who made the calls, you never did. i know i've been more than mean, i've stabbed you a million times in the front, in full sight, and stabbed you in the heart a million times more. and i have nothing to say in my defense.

to any one out there: please promise me if i try and break up with you and ruin what we have, that you won't let me and you won't let me go.

love doesn't hurt, it's not having it that hurts.

(somewhere through this post i found myself writing in present tense. hm. im not sure that was entirely appropriate although it is entirely possible.)

Labels: memories, musings, you

and the air smells of crisp apple cider;

e is an entity i have not blogged about for a really
really
long time, in fact, maybe even eons. now e is everything i ever imagined, even wondered, of how i might ever look at someone and think, i used so be close to so-and-so, but now i hardly know him at all. and it is scary, considering how when i say close, i mean really really close, like banter buddies, pulling punches, hanging out all the time, being telepathic and knowing that he'd be there for me no matter what.

the other day i realised someone, whom i got to know recently, knew e.
me: how do you know e?
someone: oh we were friends from xxx. he's very studious. why?
me: oh he's... nothing. i know him too.

it was kinda weird 'cause i couldnt say 'oh he's my best friend'.

Labels: memories, musings

and the air smells of crisp apple cider;

life is droll
it drones on and on
i live for weekends
i live for sleep
in the mornings, i live for when i get in his dad's car so i can fall back to sleep
role reversal, now he's the one who wakes me up when we get to school

short term goals, they keep me alive

Labels: musings

and the air smells of crisp apple cider;

this week has been rather terrible for me, havent really been able to stay up at all. monday was alright, considering i overdid it - sleeping at 6.30. maybe im paying for it now, but it has never taken so long to pay back sleep debts. no matter what, it usually takes only a day. this is the third day and im still not alright. once it hits 11, im feeling really sleepy and by 12 im totally gone, burnt.

sucks for me cos i have a shitload i need to be doing, i keep putting it off only to come to the same state the next night. work has been crazy, loads to do, but i wouldnt say tiring though, so that still doesnt explain anything. and i wouldnt say i wake up terribly early either, i have been getting a good 8 hours of sleep these few nights, what with sleeping at 12.

lost both of my ipod cases, terribly irritating. means i have to make a new one(or two), and i all i feel like doing is sssssleeping. and i really liked the first one too(doubt i have any more of that fabric). oh well.

want more shoes! >: bad. am thinking of getting another pair, have gotten another pair, and am waiting for two more pairs to arrive. shoe count is scarily high and getting higher. and worse, have no intentions to S.A.M.S.(Stop Acquiring More Shoes). terribilia.

Labels: musings, shoe addiction, sleepy eepy

and the air smells of crisp apple cider;

i am worried

but not about the things i should be

and definitely not about the things that i really should be

but anyway

im worried about our relationship because ever since i met him there hasnt been a day where i went home with him

which basically means we havent had a proper conversation since the day i was formally introduced to him which is quite bad because he is a new addition, as we shall call it,

and, well, we havent discussed him. and, when we do have a conversation, its mostly around other people, or at best its only the three of us, which obviously include him, so

we havent really discussed him. which somehow i find is something we need to. somehow. i mean its just weird that we really havent talked for very long and then he comes into the picture too which makes it even more complicated because now im talking to him more than i am to you.

but okay, he's cool and all but it doesnt really work, however you look at it and you know and i know and he doesnt think anything of it anyway.

okay im talking cotton ballses, doesnt make any sense.

anyway, yesterday d said something really weird, like i never thought about it that way and i dont really think that is but somehow(from his point of view) it makes sense. kinda, considering that his views on the world and life are absolutely completely convolutely different from mine. i just laughed when he sed it, but well, idk what i think of it, really. i still dont. because theoretically it kiiiiiinda makes sense, but when you do the math in this situation, it just doesnt add up at all. complex.

-

(okay shit my stomach's working up AGAIN. like, man, youve been at it the whole day, could you give me a break?! brb. x)

-

on another note, its quite weird that it ISNT weird with _. and the weirdest thing it was that it wasnt really awkward even when, you know. and he was so cool about it (i was just laughing, as always). and it was really really fast, the whole thing.

okay, am mildly hungry. is bad.

Labels: musings, thoughts

and the air smells of crisp apple cider;

been away for too long
just gotta suck it up

i

dont know.

void and i need something
i am scared of it, honestly.
and coke without the CO2.
and things i need to do,
and i want to see you.

i wish i'd smiled at you but i didnt
i always dont do what i know i should
and then i regret it later for all its worth

i didnt mean to say that
but then it just slipped out.
and i wasnt and im not
going to elaborate further
because i know you dont
fully understand how its like
or maybe because im afraid you do
i dont want you to become cynical
about it like i am
which is thoroughly ironic because
most of the time it is you who
tries to break me in
without the cynicism.

but i think you are a cynic already, which is precisely why.

maybe today you knew, and if you did, thank you, and i do not wish you had done any more.

Labels: abstract, musings, today was

and the air smells of crisp apple cider;

today was all
of hugs and kisses
and loves and misses
and things you will not understand
-
today was a memory
reignited
-
i felt like sec four all over again
everything felt the same
in the maroon shirt
and the awesome hoodie that made everything better (and of course made me $27 poorer)
the inaugural handstand walk demi-competition
which i lost again
the which-hand-to-which-leg and how-do-you-manouvre lessons
for when youre trying to hold your leg up to the side
the phototaking
with weird faces and weirder cams
the confusion
which leads to self-initiation
the long walks
with the equally long complains
the getting one another lost
and finding each other again
the awesome friends- emwy and japh
with more and better plans for the future, and remembering the bond we share
the awesome juniors- kez and assjehsee
love you two although you dont knowwit [:
and of courrrrrrrrrse the annual
"shitidontwanttoseehimwhyonearthisheheredamnitwhycanthejustgetlostomgomgomgishecominghereGETMEOUTOFHERE!!!"
screaming hyperventilating running(away) and trying to be inconspicuous(ha)
but mostly in my mind anyway im pretty sure i was calmer this time (right)

and finally, most finally, the
whether-we-should-all-pon-school-tomorrow and then-what-are-we-gonna-do-tomorrow
except that this year it was a lot i-must-see-if-my-father/mother-allows

same old, same old.
it felt good to be back again
and everything seemed the same.

Labels: memories, musings, today was

and the air smells of crisp apple cider;

i dont know if i wish i could go back
to when it was that way
i like it like this but then
it does not give me much space

i love the sun more now
and the wind that blows in my face
and im happy for whatever love
that may come my way

-

its been a long time since i last tagged my post [:

Labels: musings, poem

and the air smells of crisp apple cider;

remember when we used to sing juno songs in class everyday to anyone who would listen [:

anyone else but you
♥

Labels: memories, musings

and the air smells of crisp apple cider;

so i've been busy and i havent been blogging as much as i would like too. but everything is fine, and i write in my diary more often now because of how things are. i miss everyone so drop me a tag/sms/IM/email(yeah i check my email so email me!)

-

i saw a guy, from afar, who had hair like you. and i was reminded of you again, and i remembered how it was, me and you, although there was never us. how you made me laugh and made me sigh and the warm fuzzy feelings when i think of you at times. yes i still feel the same way but different some how, less of me and you and more of the nostalgia. maybe one day i will talk to you again, because you make me laugh so much. and you provoke me, all the time.

-

yes, this is for you, xxxxxx, cos i miss you and i miss fighting with you and everything else. although you probably will never read this, but i dedicate this to you because it only seems fitting to do so [:

Labels: memories, musings, you

and the air smells of crisp apple cider;

almond shaped eyes
so lovely
do you see
the water pooling
the quiver
and then the drop
the pearl which screams
out every bit of
anger and fear
most vulnerable
now
its time to strike

-

yes, care more
because it is more precarious
more important
more everything
than this
four petaled flower

Labels: drunk, musings, poem

and the air smells of crisp apple cider;

cuss and swear and all the bad things
i promise i will never again
never betray you nor
spill a word of your
secret
i will guard it and know
who have weights on the other side
and not pick those
because now i know
who weighs lighter on mine

just like everything we talked about
and the walls are up
just like the stakes are up
from now on

______

heart hurts
and i find myself alone
simply because
i trust no one
for the fear that -

______

cut off, shut out
just when i thought
i was making
some progress

______

i shouldnt have
i really shouldnt have

Labels: drunk, musings

and the air smells of crisp apple cider;

new goals
new targets
new thinking
new perspective
new everything
new life i think?

i accidentally took the ite intake exercise admission booklet -_- idk why

Labels: musings, random weirdness

and the air smells of crisp apple cider;

because i am ready to give everything up
although it took this long to find what i always wished
but me, i am ready now
because it keeps me from saying a word

Labels: musings

and the air smells of crisp apple cider;

i know what i can do
i know what i should do
but i dont know at all if it is what i want to do
for i am apt to leave and let die
most of the time
is it worth the saving?
yes, mostly because i am lazy
such things should be worth
but for me i put less worth on it
when it comes to saving it
and then i find myself in one big mess
i should not be in
then i leave the dust to settle
then we will cover it up together
and forget what is under

i feel the same way about two things

-

and about two other things,

i am torn, majorly
although for one i know what i should do
and for the other there is no clear thing
i really should do
i am much inclined to the other
which i was less inclined to before

Labels: musings

and the air smells of crisp apple cider;

stare, dazed, with your wide eyes open
but not that you're awake, you look like you are dead
as you stare blankly, straight ahead
like those people who die with their eyes wide open
i dont know how they do it

anyway,
you lie there on your back
with your head propped up
awkward position, but you do not move, nevertheless
your finger taps out words
letter by letter, like on a typewriter
but actually just on your laptop
nicking the nail of your index finger in the process

and you crave for malt vinegar

Labels: musings

and the air smells of crisp apple cider;

when i finally start working i will buy myself a Leonid Afremov oil painting and many many many other paintings and...

Labels: musings

and the air smells of crisp apple cider;